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Hesh can be reached at hesh1@comcast.net.
The Cloning of Warren Buffet
We named him Warren but called him Buffy for short. Since he was able to sit up I would read him chapters from, The Intelligent Investor: the Definitive Book on Value Investing by Benjamin Graham. He listened attentively, but I think his favorite was a cartoon version of Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations.
My plan was simple. I was not going to invest in my company’s 401K and watch my money grow miserably year in and year out. No, I was investing in my son’s education. I had worked out the math. If Buffy beat the S&P 500 consistently by at least 5% a year, compounded, by the time I am 65, I would retire a very rich man.
Buffy was, like many six year olds, very precocious. He had a talent for memorizing facts and figures that dazzled most adults. He could name every Nobel Prize winner in Economics and for extra fun add the title of their PhD dissertations. (His grandparents gave him leather bound copies for his birthday.)
Obviously, little W was going to be home schooled. Why waste precious hours building with Lincoln logs and playing dodge ball. He had lots of material to absorb.
Once a state education inspector surprised us with an unscheduled visit and almost caught Buffy going through his stock exchange drills. It was a game he loved. We would name the company and he would give us its ticker abbreviation, or visa versa. I would try to trip him up by saying the names of companies that had merged out of existence. But he would ask "Dad you want their old ticker or their new one?"
Fortunately as soon as the inspector walked in Buffy switched to doing the multiplication tables, without missing a beat. The inspector knew Buffy was gifted and asked him what his favorite subject. Buffy said, ‘History’ a safe answer.
The inspector then asked him what period interested him the most. Buffy said, "The financial collapse of 1873; it was a true precursor of the great depression." I laughed, my wife laughed, and fortunately the inspector laughed too, I think he just thought it was a little practical joke we played on people.
Unfortunately as Buffy became a teenager his hormones kicked in and he began rebelling. First, he practiced unprotected investing. We had told him that he could buy and sell indexed mutual funds with our supervision. Instead he had hacked into our computer and was buying gold futures on the Chicago commodity exchange.
I should have punished him but he actually made a lot of money. I decided a stern warning was sufficient. But I knew we had seen just the beginning of his teenage rebellion.
Then he did something we just never expected. He crossed the line, challenging our entire belief system. He discovered girls. He was 16 and fell hard for a 15 year old with matching nose rings.
My wife was worried that she was not Jewish; I was worried that she was a she. In desperation I called Buffy’s godfather Alan Greenspan. Alan actually flew in to meet with Buffy. He had seen this behavior before in his own kids and had developed an intervention strategy that was highly successful.
We all gathered in the den with Buffy sulking in the middle on a small stool.
Greenspan challenged him, reminding him that he was not only giving up a possible great personal career, but that capitalism needs him more then ever. Our balance of payments was off by 15%. Inflation was returning with vengeance like it was the late 1970’s. And most disturbing, the Republicans were spending money like they were competing against FDR.
Buffy was somewhat responsive, but clearly we did not have him back. Alan decided to pull out his biggest gun. He placed a call to the real Warren Buffett. Warren was waiting to take the call.
Alan gave the phone to Buffy. To our amazement Buffy took the phone; soon he was no longer sulking on his stool, he was standing at attention. All we could hear was "Yes sir….no sir…thank you sir….promise sir." He gave the phone back to Greenspan.
He smiled, so we smiled.
He looked at me, "Mr. Buffett and I negotiated a deal, I promised to continue my studies and he promised to introduce me to his granddaughter. I saw her photo in Forbes Magazine. She is hot and Dad she has only one nose ring."
© Heshreinfeld 2005